Conflicts in churches

I had coffee this morning with Rev. Marilyn Stavenger of the faculty of Eden Theological Seminary. She is teaching a course in congregational leadership and has asked me to address the class on the issue of conflict resolution. We are both aware of how conflict phobic most pastors are and how they will often try to stay above the fray, as though the conflict was not their business or that it will go away if they just ignore it.

I was reminded as we spoke about the lessons that are coming from some other consulting that I am doing for a recent partnership that is failing. They knew going into it that they would have conflicts and that it was important to address them early and often. We even met to practice what to do when we discover conflicts. Nevertheless, the weight of the conflicts is now so great that the partnership is dissolving. I asked a couple of the partners what they have learned about what didn't work. Then separately agreed that:

• They saw the conflicts that were coming up as too small to address. They told themselves that "this isn't big enough to mess with." And when they turned around those same issues had become to big to wrestle with.
• They saw the conflicts that were coming up as about what was going on with the other and not with them. They said to themselves, "I will just give the other some time to settle down before we address this." And then they just ignored it because they didn't want to "start something."

The lesson is, address it right away and don't wait for it to blow over. It is much easier to address issues when they are fresh and small.

I will be addressing this issue more fully in the series that starts again at Eden the end of February 2007. There is a calendar of events to the right that you can follow or just click here to see more information.

IFS Level One Training in St. Louis

Plans are underway for a Level One training for therapists who are interested in learning more about Internal Family Systems therapy. The planning committee met today and we are confident that we will be able to make this happen starting in September of 2007. I will be making more information available as we firm up the details. In the meantime, you can find out more about IFS at the site of the Center for Self Leadership and at the Internal Family Systems Association web site.