Process Issues

Some years ago the work of Jay Rothman helped me to understand that any conflict is going to be a combination of both resource-based and identity-based issues. That is, any conflict, especially conflicts in significant relationships, will have certain aspects that are related to finite resources [time, money, attention] as well as aspects that are related to qualities in the relationship [trust, affiliation, status, respect]. This helps to explain why we sometimes seem to be making such a big deal out of such small matters as whether the toilet seat is up or down or whether the cap is back on the toothpaste tube.

In recent weeks I have been noticing a variation on the way identity issues arise in certain relationships. In some cases this variation is so striking that it may be seen to be a third set of issues. I am going to refer to this as process-based conflict.

Karen and Steve have agreed that they will be spending the kids' Spring Break at her parent’s place in Florida. They have decided that they are going to fly instead of drive. They agree that the expense will be worth the savings in time and the logistics of having three small children in a car for many hours. They have agreed that they want to spend as little money as possible. They have agreed on when they will leave and when they need to return by. They have agreed that Steve will make the arrangements by purchasing the tickets on-line.

Steve finds a great deal! They can each fly for only $200 but there is a two-hour layover in Atlanta. Karen doesn’t like that they are not flying non-stop and isn’t sure if they have to buy a ticket for the infant. She wants him to wait to make the purchase until they see if they can find answers and a better itinerary. Steve checks back the next day and finds that the special fare is gone. They can’t go for less than $300 a ticket. He is angry.

One way of looking at this conflict is that it is a combination of resource-based and identity-based issues. Steve wanted to spend less money and he thought they agreed that he was authorized to make the arrangements. Except that Karen also wants to spend less money and she wants Steve to make the arrangements. She just wants the process to include no change of flights and no purchase of a ticket they may not need. Neither of them has flown since they started having children and they are not clear about airline regulations. What they are missing is a clear process for how they will solve this problem. While the conflicts are related to resources and identity, they are more about confusion about the process for decision-making.

A similar issue came up for me very recently in a conversation with a group of folks from a local church about conflicts within the congregation. They had the usual sorts of things about whether to continue to have two services now that the membership has declined, but the more heated conflicts are coming up in their concerns about the style of the current pastor.

To be fair, they have always had conflicts with the style of the pastor, no matter who the pastor has been. That the issues seem to be larger now may be because the style issues are bigger, or they may be because the membership is declining more and the anxiety is larger, or they may be because the denomination is offering less support so they are feeling abandoned and betrayed and those feelings are spilling over onto the relationship with the pastor. In any case, they have a problem with the pastor.

And the pastor knows it. And the pastor wants to address it. It was the pastor who urged these people to attend the presentation that I was giving so that they could be encouraged to actually address the conflicts instead of hiding them. So everyone agrees that there are problems and everyone agrees that addressing the problems will be better than hiding them, but no one knows what to do about the situation. There is no process for addressing the concerns. The perceived conflict is around the absence of a process for naming the conflicts. They are searching for a way to do this that is clear, transparent, forthright, supportive, fair, honest, and faithful. That shouldn’t be too hard to do once they realize that this is what they need. What is hard is letting go of thinking that this is the pastor's fault or the denomination's fault.

So I am more and more seeing the possibility of conflicts being not only about resources and identity, but also about process; the process of decision-making but also even the process of clear and open communication.