Fighting is for Losers

A "fight" is a way of addressing a conflict in which the outcome is determined by the ability of one party to make another party lose. Many games are thus a kind of fight. The "winner" is the one who loses the least...who makes the other lose more.

This is fine for some kinds of games. But when the playing field is an intimate relationship, the relationship loses.

In many intimate relationships, when a conflict arises, the impulse is to fight. When the parties fight, they make each other lose. They are successful. Each becomes a loser and the relationship is the poorer for it.

When the parties to the relationship recognize they are fighting and stop, they at least quit doing harm. But they are often afraid that if they don't fight, they will lose. The core issue becomes each party's ability to not fight without feeling like a loser.

Many believe they cannot stop a fight on their own. "What if the other doesn't stop?" they ask, as though it is obvious that the only thing they can do is to fight back. To be sure, there are things we can do that will address the conflict which are not a form of fight. These things are far more effective but they can be hard to find and do when we are "in the heat of battle."

But none of the more effective things will occur to us when we are still fighting. If you don't want to be a loser, stop fighting.

New Intro for Just Conflict

Justice is a quality of relationships in which the fundamental needs of all of the parties are met. Conflict is a condition in a relationship when any party becomes aware that needs are not met. By naming, addressing, and resolving conflicts we create justice.

Some believe that to resolve a conflict each of the parties must acknowledge the same facts, value the same ideals, and be committed to the same outcomes. If that were true, then many conflicts would be impossible to resolve. Conflict resolution would require uniformity and it would make diversity the enemy of justice.

In order to resolve conflict and create justice each party need only see the perspective of the other parties and see how that perspective is valid for the other. From that place of mutual recognition and validation the parties then must only discover their common needs and agree to work together to meet them.

---

You have personal experience resolving conflict. You no doubt have had relationships in which it became clear to you that circumstances were not right for you. You may well have felt as though you were the victim of an injustice. You may even have decided to address the conflict and to invite the other into a conversation about the distress you were feeling. You may have had the privilege of having the other agree to address the conflict with you and the two of you may have been able to hear each other well enough that you both decided to adjust the choices you were each making such that you both got more of what you need. You may have resolved the conflict, at least in part.

If you have had this experience, then you know that the relationship was actually made safer and more satisfying by the work of resolving the conflict.

Nevertheless, few of us see addressing conflicts as a way of strengthening our relationships. This success rarely means that we look forward to addressing conflict. We flinch. We shy away from addressing conflict for at least three very good reasons.

• We don’t know that the other is interested in even acknowledging the conflict, much less addressing and resolving it.
• We don’t know what will happen when we acknowledge the conflict and this act of naming the issue may actually make things worse.
• We don’t know that we have the skills to resolve a conflict with this much complexity and this much intensity. We may be in over our heads.

Each of these concerns is perfectly valid. Nevertheless, if we allow them to interfere with our efforts to resolve conflict we are delaying and denying justice.

We know we cannot make others change. One of the central premises of this book is that we don’t have to. All we need do is to change ourselves. If we define resolution as making others be different we are certain to fail much of the time. But when we recognize that we are the only one we need to change, we discover how immensely powerful we are.

We cannot know the outcome of our efforts to address and resolve conflict. While we are committed to an outcome that is more just than the current circumstances, we never know precisely what that is going to look like. We act in the faith that attention to the process will result in a more satisfying outcome. It is this necessity that we act in faith that makes conflict resolution a spiritual discipline.

But, while we cannot change others or determine a specific outcome, we can enhance our own skills at naming, addressing, and resolving whatever conflicts arise in any of our relationships. This is the central focus of this book…to become masterful at resolving conflict.

DV Assessments

From time to time I get a call from a person asking for a “domestic violence assessment.”  They assume that this is a standard practice and they just need to find someone who can do this on them to satisfy the Court, a GAL, or their attorney.  When I ask them what they mean by the assessment they have very little idea and don’t usually know why they have been asked to obtain one.
I want to be very clear about what I am able to do and not able to do to help these folks. 

Ruling in but not ruling out:

There is no universally accepted notion of what constitutes “battering.”  Indeed, the definition in criminal court is rather different than the one in civil court.  It is possible, however, to listen to a person’s report of the events in a relationship and determine whether those events fall into the realm of what most people mean by battering.
What we cannot do is to listen to a person’s report of their own behavior and, on the basis of that report, determine that battering is not occurring.  We don’t know what we don’t know.

Assessment of skills and perspectives:

We can listen to a person’s report of their own behavior and, on the basis of that report, identify the strengths and weaknesses they have when it comes to addressing and resolving conflicts in interpersonal relationships.  We can say how much they demonstrate avoidance or bullying and whether they can tolerate hearing the other’s viewpoint when it is different from their own.  But this doesn’t mean that domestic violence has or will occur.